I remember how strong the wind was. It cut right through my layers. It was cold, up there on the ridge. The trek to get up there had been hard. Now, here we were, looking down into the valley. What a good day it was. I was grinning.
Other memories also come easily to me. The peaks summited. The campsite meals. Hashbrowns. Spending a lot of time in the rain. Being wet. Grinning a lot. Being worked.
There was a personal trip to Moab to go climbing. Heading into the town and browsing a bookshop. Buying one of my favourite books (Reclaiming Conversations) and a sticker for the area.
I remember early mornings sitting on the back of a Ute. Banana bread in my hiking pack. Heading up to a vista to watch a volcano erupt – hearing the roar followed by the eruption of smoke into the air.
These memories are important to me. I can close my eyes and remember an infinite number of experiences. I can also look at the stickers on my laptop, and be instantly transported back in time to where I was. Climbing on the rock. On the Ridgeline. Looking down at Machu Picchu.
My 2013 Macbook no longer turns on. I will have to dispose of it. Yet I also don’t want to. I don’t want to give up those stickers. There are a great visual reminder of 2013-2016. Pivotal years. Where I was a mountain guide. An outdoor educator. A world traveler and explorer.
I know it’s silly to want to keep an old laptop. Or even the lid. I can easily remember things without having a sticker to remind me. I don’t really need those novelty mugs, or placemats, or candles, to remember places (although I do love all of these things and use them with a lot of joy).
Will giving these things up, or having them break, destroy the memories?
Of course not. Yet, our brains are not always rational. At times it feels like if the object is destroyed, or if we have to throw it away, then we lose those memories. That we lose a part of ourselves. After all, am I still that person? What part of me from them exists today? After all, I’m not longer a long term traveller. I’m not a mountain guide or an outdoor educator any more.
In some ways that question is absurd. I am the same person. Those experiences solidify the person I am. They informed, or updated, values and perspectives that I had. I evolved, as I continue to do so today. It kept my idea of a duty to family. Last year was my 10-year trip anniversary, and it was wonderful to think back about that time.
Part of the reason we can continue to evolve is that we have been present in these moments. We have been able to build these wonderful memories that we can look back on and internalise. So yes, we don’t have that role anymore, but we have the learnings. It was worth exploring the world and going down a different career path for a while. It was worth the time. Less money earned by not being in a corporate job. All worth it for what I gained. The memories and experiences. Being there in the moment.
That is what matters. The moments and lessons. The growth. Integrating these. Discovering more about the values I care about and the person I want to be. Heading in the direction I want.