I have lots of dreams about being a dad. What our kids will be like. They don’t come to me when I’m sleeping – that’s usually when I’m piloting a Gundam, or doing quests as a rogue in a fantasy style setting. These dreams come to me during brief moments in the day. A couple of seconds, or even a minute or two if I’m staring out the window.
Once we were walking down one of the aisles in the supermarket and we paused whilst my wife was looking at different items. As I stood there, the image of shopping with a child and children came to me. We are in the cereal aisle, looking at the different products available. Our daughter is on my should having a wand, casting a spell to bring the box down into the trolley. Or my son is running around. My wife and I have parent themed shirts on.
Other times I think about all of the things we’ll do around the house. Helping put the washing in the machine. Folding towels. The kids pushing a plastic mower around the yard whilst I mow. Watching the world from the pram and stroller as we walk to the cafe. Time with us, and with grandparents.
Getting ready to build a family
At our wedding my dad said, ‘now you are husband and wife. You are your very own family.’ I think about this often. The role that we have. My father-in-law made the following remarks. ‘Wealth is not always a measure of your wallet but rather the love you have for each other, the love you have of your family, the love you will have for your children in the years to come. I hope you both become super wealthy, enjoy the love you have and the devotion you have for each other, and the love you will have of your children should you have them in the future.’
I already feel love for our unborn child. This will be amplified once he or she is born. I’ll want the best for them and have my own ideas and ideals on what to do. There are things I will want them to do.
What do we want them to do?
To be a good person is the first thought that sprints to mind. Healthy, curious, kind. Someone who cares about others. Broad activities such as being outdoors, reading books. Already I am thinking about specifics that are important to me.
Because I love bouldering, there is a large part of me that wants our children to. It will be amazing to be out climbing, kids in tow, sharing an activity together. Later on in life, I’ll want them to be financially secure. We are already talking about kids savings accounts. What skills they might need in the future to succeed.
Now the conversation and thoughts take a turn. We are moving away from values. We are looking at skills. What’s going to be in demand in 20 years? What should they learn or study? This is where we can start imposing, without realising it, different wants on to children. That they should pick a career path that will make them lots of money (does it matter if they enjoy what they do?). Have a certain luxurious lifestyle. Purchase and wear certain clothes and brands. Be a specific role – such as a dentist, or doctor, or sales executive.
If we don’t watch ourselves, the job can become the sole focus. The job can end up being who we want our children to become. Lawyer. Consultant. Executive.
We can fall into this way of thinking. It’s the common opinion in our society.
But what if that’s not what they want?
The person they want to become
I don’t dream or imagine later years. Not yet. I’m only thinking of the coming months and years. How I can be the best dad I can be. The best husband. Support my wife when she is utterly sleep deprived from all the feeding our baby will need. Build a great family with my wife.
Being a role model is one of the key roles I will soon have.
Which to me means encouraging my son or daughter to become the person they want to be. Not what I want them to be. Sure, we give them guidance, and wisdom, and import our own philosophy and values. We want them to have the best life they can. That also means letting go of any specific expectations that we might have about a particular role or interest they need to have- e..g executive, or being super in to bouldering.
Instead, we must encourage them to become the person they want to be. And that person can still have the values and curiosities we help them to discover. They still have our guidance and wisdom. We are still their role models. They see how we react and respond to situations. How kind we are towards others. The communities that we build and are a part of. How they have experienced family.
As they grow older, we step back and become their guide. To be there when needed. Ears to listen. A shoulder to cry on. Their biggest cheerleader as they chase their own dreams and walk their own path.
Our legacy
Our kids are our legacy. Ultimately, we want them to take our teachings and values and finds the path that they want to be on. So we should be there for them, listen to them, guide them. Encourage them. They will find their own path, but only if they become the person they want to be.
What are your own thoughts on legacy and helping children become who they want to be? Let me know.