In about 90 days I’ll be a father. How quickly time moved after we got the phone call that the blood test detected hCG levels. We are pregnant. We are having a baby.
Whilst I knew we were pregnant, not much had actually changed for me. It wasn’t until we first saw the little one on the ultrasound. Seeing and hearing the heart beat though, that changed everything. We are having a baby. My body unlocked a hidden reserve of fuel. Things have to change now. It’s time to get ready to be a dad.
Like a lightening bolt that strikes down, I immediately had a powerful insight.
Be the example. I was surprised that the thought manifested itself so quickly. Yet, hearing that heartbeat, my mind made a few connections instantly. Time to change. Grow. Become more.
Okay, sure. But where does one begin? What should I focus on?
I had a few immediate answers.
Being stronger helps. So I’ve continued with the gym, changed my routine, eating well.
Being patient and calm helps so I can respond appropriately when we are sleep deprived and unsure of ourselves and what to do.
Having finances in order so we can take some time off. Book in time with the accountant. Rerun our budgets and get it up to date.
These, plus others, put me on a journey to become the example that our child (and nature willing children) can look to.
We won’t know what type of child we will have. He or she will bring their own personality into the world. We’ll bring our own love and care and support. We’ve decided to keep the sex a surprise too. A boy or a girl. Can’t wait!
But what I do know with certainty, is that I want to be a capable dad.
One concept I’ve been thinking about is the idea of having core pillars. The foundations from which everything else is built.
It’s changed a bit over the years, but it’s more of less:
- health
- family
- friends
- community
- philosophy
For the most part these are strong. I’m healthy. I love and enjoy spending time with family. I have close friends. I’m able to partake in the community. I’m making progress in philosophy and living one as a way of life.
Being a dad will have extra duties.
I need to be a more capable man.
I’m looking at some additional guiding principles to help me be a great dad.
When you start to receive parenting advice, such as reading books, listening to podcasts, or engaging in conversation with others, one thing quickly becomes apparent.
There is no one way. All advice contradicts. One expert will tell you to do soothe your child. Another will tell you to let them cry it out. Both have studies to back it up.
If only the Mandalorian could appear and tell me the way.
Here’s the secret. There are many ways. And each requires its own steps and focus. Just like life, we have to pick what philosophy we want to give ourselves too, and live this out.
We haven’t made any decisions yet on parenting techniques. I’ve read a book on sleeping. Made lots of notes. My wife has read some other books on what to expect. We’ve got classes coming up over the next few weeks too. That will prompt a lot of discussion over the coming weeks.
These are techniques. We already know the pillars. We have our own values that we were raised on, that we want to impart. It’s the first few months that we are focused on. The practicalities. How do we change a diaper? Soothe our girl or boy? Be kind and gracious to each other when we haven’t slept, and our nerves are frayed, and the baby has been crying for hours?
How’s this for a good statement to have ready to say?
“Hey babe, I’m feeling frustrated, and it’s not your fault.”
We talk more and more these days about the first eight weeks. Looking at the items we have, what we still need. We’ve started sharing the notes and thoughts we have too on the various techniques. How strict a routine do we want? Do we wait 90 seconds before we attend to our child when it’s crying at night? What about our own bodies responses screaming at us to get in there asap?
Not sure.
All we know for sure is this. Continue to be open with each other about our own journey and struggles. Not take things out on each other. Talk often. Help where we can. Rest where we can. Enjoy each day and the journey.
From all of the conversations we’ve had with others, the one constant comment is this.
Time goes fast. In the blink of an eye they have grown up. They’ve rolled. They walk. Don’t rush it.
Every parent we’ve talked to
Some things have changed. Other’s haven’t.
I still do some type of exercise each day (Lift heavy things. Climb. Walk). Read. Write. See family and friends. Engage with the community. Study and submit assessments. Try and live out a philosophy.
They are also different. I’m reading more books about parenting. Thinking more about what Stoicism says about parenting and fatherhood. Our duties and roles. Thinking about community support for dads. Looking at our finances but with a sense towards child expenses now and into the future.
Same pillars. New actions within them.
Back to the lightening bolt. There are now two clear choices.
Same or upgraded.
It requires a conscious choice.
Because the same is tempting. It’s easier.
It’s working for me at the moment.
I’ve chosen to be better. To be a great dad. Now the hard part is to execute on that.
