We know life is hard, and therefore we should chose the hard things we want to pursue. To do what will make us healthier each day. Keep fit. Eat well. Learn and grow. Level up. We voluntarily choose these things. To sweat it out at the gym and be uncomfortable. Or say no to the donut (I still say yes some days, they are delicious). Challenge yourself by trying something new.
But what if hard is thrust upon us? When something we wouldn’t choose, wouldn’t wish for, comes our way? What do you do when you find yourself facing something you never wanted to face?
—
It wasn’t suposed to be this way, I thought to myself. Third time is a charm, so they say. Not this time. Just like that, your world can change. For us, our world has changed a few times these past few months. 2022 was supposed to be the end of that. We started 2023 in such a promising way. Life is.
—
The Stoics have an interesting way and looking at the events of life. We are all connected and part of Nature. Sometimes, actually often, Nature is not kind to us or to anyone. We have to accept things as they come and find a way forward. It is not up to us.
First and foremost, I need to be there for my wife. This isn’t just about me. It’s about us. Getting through this together. Coming out the other side stronger.
When you are grieving and going through a period of difficulty I’m in this place of never quite being sure what to say. Words can be interpreted in so many different ways, and I worry that my good intentioned words might have the opposite effect. Others will tell us they are sorry and that everything will be okay. Yes, that’s true. Others will also give us a dose of reality and lay out the facts as they are. That is also helpful. Until it’s not. Sometimes things are said that don’t sit well with us. In these circumstances, I’ve always tried to take the view of the other person coming from a place of good intentions. They showed up for us. That is what matters.
At times I’m also not sure what I should do. Our own daily routine and rhythm matters. I will still stretch, get to the gym, lift heavy things, go on walks, listen to podcasts, text friends, go indoor bouldering.
Physical exertion is a good hard. I know roughly what to expect. Pick up something heavy, lift it, muscles will hurt, lift until you can’t. Go and do the next exercise. Go to the gym even when you don’t want to. That is how that hard is done. It’s better than the contrasting hard of not going any exercise, letting myself get out of shape, and dealing with health issues and lack of mobility later in life. I get that. It helps me to maintain discipline and set up a system for better health.
When you are going through grief, you also need to just do nothing at times too. You need to sit on the couch and watch a bit of TV. To catch up on your anime watch list.
—
Next time we might have the same result. I hope not. The reality though is that we might have a long road ahead of us. I hope not. I can remain optimistic, and still accept that we might have a long journey trust upon us.
No matter what, we will get through it. We might have to go back out into the darkness for a while. Eventually though, there will be a light and sunshine at the end.
We are all Kaladin, asking Wit if we need to go back out there, that we don’t want to go out there. Yet we must. We will. Sometimes it’s fictional characters that give us the guidance we need (if you haven’t read the Starlight Archive, I strong recommend picking up a copy.)
“Can you tell me the real ending?” Kaladin asked, his voice small. “Before I go back out?”
Wit stood and stepped over, then put his hand on Kaladin’s back and leaned in. “That night,” he said, “the little dog snuggled into a warm bed beside the fire, hugged by the farmer’s children, his belly full. And as he did, the dog though to himself, ‘I doubt any dragon ever had it so good anyway.’”
He smiled and met Kaladin’s eyes.
“It won’t be like that for me,” Kaladin said. “You told me it will get worse.”
“It will,” Wit said, “but then it will get better. Then it will get worse again. Then better. This is life, and I will not lie by saying every day will be sunshine. But there will be sunshine again, and that is a very different thing to say. That is truth. I promise you, Kaladin: You will be warm again.”